My Heart Billows and Bows


My heart billows and bows as my deranged mind drifts into different directions. Find the place to be free, it screams, but I can find no serenity within me. F— intellect, f— these clustered syllables; all I want is tranquility. The echos loom of a past, although the ether is still, my mind is a subwoofer that beats out the beats of a sound all mixed and muddled. Ah!

There she is, that sweet peace – you glimpse and fingers touch, but neither can see nor hold. She’s gone. Streaks of red blot the sky otherwise a fluorescent crystalline blue. Quiet now – find silence in this chaos – a whirlwind of thoughts are swept up and leave – do not follow them, please sit and linger. Sooth me, hold me. F— you, I want nothing to do with you. Leave me. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. How shall I traverse this difficult path when through me is the only path I see. I can neither stand nor lay nor sit and shout – no solitude seeps about – all is walled – stuck and still – my heart is sullen and is fixed a mute. How can I crack and wreak through? Where is your flood of warmth, where is your red desire? It was once, but is no longer any more.

Have I drifted too far – are you, the feeling, all alone out there? Are you lost in this darkened silent night? I am sterile without you, but I feel your horizon. You are the horizon, all I must do is let you in, but my mind wanders and woes. Please just let it be still – fixate your light upon me – and I will fixate my gaze upon you. I’ve dreamed dreams of you, but these dreams are just dreams ending upon my wake. Find me, I’m here. Is that me talking to you or you talking through me?

– By Nick R.